America's Apology

I wish you I could mend,
I wish you were unhurt.
But the truth is, my friend,
I’m a bathroom pervert.

The comfort that I feel,
When slinking in your stall,
Is by far my worst,,
Most terrible downfall.

Is that toilet paper?
No, it’s just my hand.
Do I make you uncomfortable?
Do you like my tan?

My love for you is fair-weathered,
I say it’s just a fling.
Soon you will be tethered,
And hanging from a sling.

I promise you that I’m not gay.
In fact, I’m from Iran.
Would you mind calling me Dante?
It makes me feel more like a man.

Please keep my secret safe,
No one knows that I’m a fag.
I’ll protect you from the chafe,
Because my name is Larry Craig.

Top 10 Eco-Friendly Steps and Products (to reduce guilt, and greenhouse gasses)

Help do your part this year:

1. Pee-qual: Reusable sugar made from straining your own urine, separating the particles, and mixing them in coffee and cake batter.

2. Cleaner Wieners: Pocket-sized recyclable toilet paper. Don’t waste another tree.

3. Cotton Shopping Bags: Because using paper and plastic is archaic…and makes you look homeless.

4. Anorexia: Don’t waste so much food. Plan on eating nothing.

5. Avoid Rat Traps: Rats are great for cleaning up the environment. If there’s any shit on the floor…they’ll eat it!

6. Tan: That’s right, tan. Soak up enough energy from the sun to become your own solar power source.

7. Walk: You don’t want to be a fat-ass anymore anyway, do you?

8. Petition Ohio to make them start recycling: It was obvious after the 2004 election that Ohioans are pretty stupid, and yes they don’t recycle. It’s pretty sad.

9. Protect our reefs, smoke a reefer instead: People forget about coral reefs, which provide food and medicine to humans, and also create tourism in economically challenged parts of the world. Save the fishies!

10. Think twice about the energy and garbage you’re using. Cut it in half. This is what we call an Earth Diet.

For more information go to http://www.globalissues.org/EnvIssues/ and see how you’re personally screwing up our planet. Wake up, idiot.

Fans Mortified by Buble’s Subliminal Ads for Boboli Pizza Crust

Michael Buble, with his restricted success (restricted to Canada), has had to pull out all the stops with his new Single, “Warm and Fuzzy Toasty Toast”. Buble is being charged with two counts of Reckless Serenading, and one count Aggravated Assault on Middle aged single white women. Fans are disappointed and heart broken by Buble’s attempted trickery to get them to indulge in thick and delicious Boboli Pizza Crust. “You just don’t know who to trust these days….OH THE HUMANITY!!!”.
When playing the new track backwards, phrases such as "MMMMM warm pizza crust...BOBOLI, BOBOLI, BOBOLI!" and "Boboli Chicago deep-dish" can be easily decoded. Buble’s post-menopausal fan base is unlikely to recover, and canceling his upcoming tour dates may be in order. The Canadian Embassy has yet to comment.

Coming Soon...

Can You Spot Bad Meat Before Diarrhea Happens?
...I'll show you how


Why Child Molesters Can Still Be Considered Celibate
I now pronounce you Catholic


New Terror Threat: Finland
Prepare yourself for Vappu Day

Developing Story: Lead Found in Earth’s Mantle

Scientists and Politicians fear China is taking revenge. (Story coming shortly)

1…2…3 Dance Moves You Can Use

Going to the club tonight? Want to get someone in your pants? Well, before you can do that…YOU’VE GOTTA PUT THOSE PANTS ON!

This is a dance move I created when I was seven, and perfected when I was twenty-four. A lot of people look up to me for my bust-a-groove-a-licious dance moves and can only dream of being so talented. Don’t be jealous, it’s not natural. I was created in a lab and routinely take performance enhancing drugs.
This dance is quite simple, and unless your name is Corkie you shouldn’t have a problem. The first step to becoming a dance seductress is to always pretend you’re having ‘you-know-what’. I know what you’re thinking: How can I do that while putting my pants ON? It’s simple. Don’t think of them as pants, think of them as sexy, opaque, triangular-patterned tights. Who wouldn’t be turned on????
Ready? Five, six, seven, eight, and…
Step One: Lean over your right foot, with both fists around your ankles. [Make sexy face.]
Step Two: Slide your fists up your leg as you stand up. [Make curious face.]
Step Three: Repeat on left side. [Make confused face.]
Step Four: Pretend your ass is the size of mainland China, or Kelly Osborne (whichever works for you), and wiggle into your proverbial pants. [Make embarrassed face.]
Step Five: Jump and pull your pants up around your gluteus, and button. [Make ‘I know you want this’ face.]
There. Now that I’ve finally gotten you laid, you can thank me by sending donations, flowers, Greek male performers, or heavily laced marijuana to the address listed below.

Give Me a Break!

MSN.com just posted a news article about yesterday's Cleveland school shooting. In the article, they say Asa Coon (the one packin' heat) was "Goth", and wore dark clothes and a trench coat. THEN, the article goes on to say the boy was a "devoted follower" of Marilyn Manson. When are they going to leave this poor manthing alone?!?! And seriously, how many black people listen to shock rock??? The media has got to stop trying to blame tragedies on musicians, and start blaming the lack of parental guidance due to low minimum wage and a rising cost of living.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/10/11/cleveland.shooting/index.html

A Tale from the Islands: “What the hell are you doing in this picture?”

While living in the Marshall Islands, I had many unusual, dream-like and surreal experiences. This is one of them:
Every year the Magical Samoan Circus comes to Majuro. This is the equivalent to a junior high musical with bad costumes and mediocre magic tricks. But we take what we can get. In 2004, when the circus came, I was ready for magic (Samoan-style) and was willing to go out and get it myself if I had to…and I did.
My friends and I were so excited for the ‘magic’, we decided to sneak a peak and see how the preparations were coming along. And, you know, see if they needed a hand with anything. We dropped by the site at around 4am. We figured they’d be up having orgies and would welcome us into their tents. As it turns out, circus people actually sleep at night, so we decided to let ourselves in to have a look around.
What we saw was the usual popcorn stand, some stacks of hay, and some bleachers. While we were there I thought it might be of help to make sure the midget’s tricycle was well oiled and the seat comfortable, so I hopped on for a test drive. The steering was a bit off, and the shocks were a little weak. Being the little helper that I am, I kept track of my findings and continued riding. I was about 1/20 of the way around the track when it happened.
Out of nowhere, or a small sleeping cave, came two Samoan men adorning mid-thigh grass skirts and carrying spears. Yes, spears. Now because I’m a small girl, and a pretty one at that, I didn’t think they’d come after me. I foolishly assumed they’d attack and torture one of my less attractive, delicate friends. I was wrong, and the words these men yelled at me will forever taunt my dreams.
“That is not for you. That is for the baby. You are not the baby.”
Still today chills run down my spine. I couldn’t think fast enough to get off the tricycle, and because the pedal span was about the size of my knee-cap, a speedy getaway was impossible. Still I tried. My pedaling was an arrhythmic battle, and my feet kept jerking out of the stirrups. As I neared the 3ft fence that led to my freedom I felt my heart race. My pulse was enough to tip the bike over and spill me to a certain death. However, my fate was secured when I noticed the confused faces of my Australian friends, and heard one of them say, “What tha fuck’ya doin’, mate, geddoff tha dame boyke”. Good point.
I got off the tricycle, stepped over the fence, and then I think we had hotdogs. Later that weekend I ran into the “baby”. We had a few beers and I let him touch my butt. Samoan-style magic? Mission: Accomplished.

And that's what-the-hell I’m doing in this picture.

I Almost Died on My Way Home from Work

The Weekly Bitch: Lies! Courtesy of MTV and Viacom

Lately I’ve been having that familiar “have I lost my mind?” feeling. Now, I’m aware that religiously watching shows on MTV will eventually dumb my brain down to the point of idleness, but they’re lying to me, too. Last month, MTV announced repeatedly that the VMA’s were only to be aired once. I regrettably decided to skip Discovery Channel's “Decoding Nostradamus”. Thanks to MTV I’ll never know how the world is going to end, or what a four-lined quatrain is. The network pissed me off again last night when they aired a lame “catch-up” episode of the Hills without notifying me first. I know this is probably what I get for having such superficial, mindless entertainment tastes, but I don’t like it.

Ultimately, MTV and Viacom are dealing with competition from web-based broadcasting companies like You Tube, and are attempting to make up lost ad revenue. But do they really think we’re that dumb? Apparently they do. Did they think we wouldn’t notice that the VMA’s were played their usual eight million times? And did they think I wanted to spend my Monday night watching a recap of an already uneventful reality show? Well, I didn’t. And what are they planning on doing next to make a buck? Convince me that my left kidney is a contestant on their new show, “A Vital Organ for Hasselhoff”, and then sell it on the black market? What else do they want me to give up besides my time, dignity, and brain power?


Next week's Bitch: Catholicism, celibacy, and under-aged boy touching

Kimora Lee Simmons has a Turkey Neck

She claims to have it all, and she does! Who knew the American Public could be so blessed? The self-proclaimed mogul has a fashion line, a reality television show, bi-racial children, and a gargantuas body complete with a turkey neck. Move over Tyra!
And, just in time for the Holidays, Kimora is coming out with a product so incredible it will eventually become a household name and tradition. That's right, the model/entrepreneur is coming out with a line of Thanksgiving Kimora-Neck Butter Turkeys. "Gobble, gobble". It's about time someone gave that lame-ass butter lamb some competition.

Blind Say Dancing Poses Safety Risk

We all know it's true that bars and restaurants need to have a Dancing License in order to allow rapid movements of the limbs at their establishments. However, the issue-at-hand is whether or not it is safe to dance in other public areas. Streets, convenient stores, and libraries may seem like safe places. But what if you can't see? Hard-core dance moves like the chain saw, sprinkler, and shopping cart may be a danger to the retina-challenged. "Yeah, like, I guess if I was returning my imaginary groceries I could potentially injure a blind passer-by-er. It really gives you something to think about". ~ Jena Bush

Five Commonly Misused Home Remedies:

ü Reversing addiction to crack by cooking and smoking cocaine.

ü The "Electric Slide" when out of toilet paper.

ü Minimizing hunger and losing weight with rigorous exercise, quesadillas, and steakfries.

ü Jump starting a car by putting a white t-shirt in the driver's side window.

u Reducing freezer burn by branding Maytag logo on forehead.

Trump: “China is a loser”

Commenting on China's new laws banning provocative sounds on television, Donald Trump stated, "China is a loser".
Donald Trump has a lot to say these days, and thank God for that. When Trump heard that China was censoring provocative sounds on both radio and television, he reminded us that China is, in fact, a loser. This may come as a shock to some, but for the rest of us, we're just glad someone finally spoke up. For as long as it's been around, China has been the purple elephant in the room. It was like that cousin you have to invite to the reunion even though their presence makes you itch. People can't stand China, and now, maybe it'll take the hint. Go read a book, China. Go work on your math homework. Go play sudoku. We've had enough! Donald Trump is our leader, and if he says you and Dan Rather should dress like a deer and trick-or-treat on the highway then you should just go. You're fired!

Native Americans: Your time has come!

Native Americans: Your day has finally arrived!For centuries, American Indians have felt robbed of their land, stripped of their dignity, and forced to drink firewater. Now, after decades of tax-free torment, corporate America is giving back. Introducing, the Nike Air Native.
The shoe is specifically designed to fit an American Indian's foot, making the shoe wider and taller.When asked about the company's motivation, Nike Spokesperson, One Who Runs with Scissors, told reporters, "It widely known fact we native have big foot."
Nike plans to advertise on reservations and liquor stores, and is collaborating with casinos to develop a slot machine large enough so that the sneaker may be used instead of coins.

ADVICE: "Help! I've got the 'itis'"

Are you setting mediocre goals for yourself and still managing to come up short? Are you, on average, 30-120 minutes late for every appointment, meeting, or scheduled event? Or perhaps you're so god damned lazy you don't even interact with people on a social or professional level. You might not even have those two words in your vocabulary.
Because so many Americans ages 10-departed suffer from the 'itis, we've come up with a plan of 'unaction' that will set you and your pathetic ways straight. Never leave your house!
That's right; your dismal dreams have come true. Here's the plan: If you never leave your house, you'll never have to deal with those people who give you the once-over just because you haven't showered in a month, don't tie your shoelaces and your last week's dinner of fried beans and toast is still encrusted in your lip crease. You won't have to convene with anyone or anything that will make you feel badly about your lethargic ways. Leave your home a mess, then, when the rats take over, you'll have something to hunt and eat. Talk about a hobby! This is what we call the circle of social mobility. Become your own world, so you don't have to interact with the real one!

Boy Feared to be Swallowed by Pop Star

Geppetto, a woodcarver from a small town outside Los Angeles fears his grandson, Pinocchio, may have been swallowed by Britney Spears, pop star. Pinocchio was last seen outside an LA night club with Spears. Friends say the two had been talking all night, and Spears looked suspiciously hungry. “I was afraid that [Pinocchio] might become a user, but I never expected this”, says a friend. "It's like I can hear him screaming for help from her esophagus". As Geppetto fears the worst, he remains hopeful for his grandson’s safe return.

(Photo taken from Perezhilton.com)

Ahmadinejad: A People Person

Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has hired a Public Relations Team to restructure his image. Ahmadinejad feels he has been misrepresented, and would like Americans to know that he is a down-to-earth guy just like the rest of us. "I put my sirwal on one leg at a time just like any American would... if they wore sirwals". Ahmadinejad also said Friday that he would like to show his softer side, and is planning a Build-a-Bear World Tour reality TV series where he and seven children will travel the globe in search of the cutest, most snuggliest bear of them all. The winning bear will attend a VIP tour of Iran's capital, Tehran, where he will be amazed by their ungayness.

(Photo taken from cultureofsoccer.com)