America's Apology

I wish you I could mend,
I wish you were unhurt.
But the truth is, my friend,
I’m a bathroom pervert.

The comfort that I feel,
When slinking in your stall,
Is by far my worst,,
Most terrible downfall.

Is that toilet paper?
No, it’s just my hand.
Do I make you uncomfortable?
Do you like my tan?

My love for you is fair-weathered,
I say it’s just a fling.
Soon you will be tethered,
And hanging from a sling.

I promise you that I’m not gay.
In fact, I’m from Iran.
Would you mind calling me Dante?
It makes me feel more like a man.

Please keep my secret safe,
No one knows that I’m a fag.
I’ll protect you from the chafe,
Because my name is Larry Craig.