ADVICE: "Help! I've got the 'itis'"

Are you setting mediocre goals for yourself and still managing to come up short? Are you, on average, 30-120 minutes late for every appointment, meeting, or scheduled event? Or perhaps you're so god damned lazy you don't even interact with people on a social or professional level. You might not even have those two words in your vocabulary.
Because so many Americans ages 10-departed suffer from the 'itis, we've come up with a plan of 'unaction' that will set you and your pathetic ways straight. Never leave your house!
That's right; your dismal dreams have come true. Here's the plan: If you never leave your house, you'll never have to deal with those people who give you the once-over just because you haven't showered in a month, don't tie your shoelaces and your last week's dinner of fried beans and toast is still encrusted in your lip crease. You won't have to convene with anyone or anything that will make you feel badly about your lethargic ways. Leave your home a mess, then, when the rats take over, you'll have something to hunt and eat. Talk about a hobby! This is what we call the circle of social mobility. Become your own world, so you don't have to interact with the real one!