Spencer Pratt Loves Bananers!

Yes, it's true. Spencer Pratt's favorite food is bananas. It's not because he's a cocksucker and the fruit's shape reminds him of time well spent in prison, but because of the mushy, gushy insides. You see, Bananas have the nutritional value that's juuust right for a developing young ape. Spency comes from a large family of albino gorillas. Ever wonder why you haven't seen his parents on The Hills? Yep, they're in a tree.

America's Apology

I wish you I could mend,
I wish you were unhurt.
But the truth is, my friend,
I’m a bathroom pervert.

The comfort that I feel,
When slinking in your stall,
Is by far my worst,,
Most terrible downfall.

Is that toilet paper?
No, it’s just my hand.
Do I make you uncomfortable?
Do you like my tan?

My love for you is fair-weathered,
I say it’s just a fling.
Soon you will be tethered,
And hanging from a sling.

I promise you that I’m not gay.
In fact, I’m from Iran.
Would you mind calling me Dante?
It makes me feel more like a man.

Please keep my secret safe,
No one knows that I’m a fag.
I’ll protect you from the chafe,
Because my name is Larry Craig.

Top 10 Eco-Friendly Steps and Products (to reduce guilt, and greenhouse gasses)

Help do your part this year:

1. Pee-qual: Reusable sugar made from straining your own urine, separating the particles, and mixing them in coffee and cake batter.

2. Cleaner Wieners: Pocket-sized recyclable toilet paper. Don’t waste another tree.

3. Cotton Shopping Bags: Because using paper and plastic is archaic…and makes you look homeless.

4. Anorexia: Don’t waste so much food. Plan on eating nothing.

5. Avoid Rat Traps: Rats are great for cleaning up the environment. If there’s any shit on the floor…they’ll eat it!

6. Tan: That’s right, tan. Soak up enough energy from the sun to become your own solar power source.

7. Walk: You don’t want to be a fat-ass anymore anyway, do you?

8. Petition Ohio to make them start recycling: It was obvious after the 2004 election that Ohioans are pretty stupid, and yes they don’t recycle. It’s pretty sad.

9. Protect our reefs, smoke a reefer instead: People forget about coral reefs, which provide food and medicine to humans, and also create tourism in economically challenged parts of the world. Save the fishies!

10. Think twice about the energy and garbage you’re using. Cut it in half. This is what we call an Earth Diet.

For more information go to http://www.globalissues.org/EnvIssues/ and see how you’re personally screwing up our planet. Wake up, idiot.

Fans Mortified by Buble’s Subliminal Ads for Boboli Pizza Crust

Michael Buble, with his restricted success (restricted to Canada), has had to pull out all the stops with his new Single, “Warm and Fuzzy Toasty Toast”. Buble is being charged with two counts of Reckless Serenading, and one count Aggravated Assault on Middle aged single white women. Fans are disappointed and heart broken by Buble’s attempted trickery to get them to indulge in thick and delicious Boboli Pizza Crust. “You just don’t know who to trust these days….OH THE HUMANITY!!!”.
When playing the new track backwards, phrases such as "MMMMM warm pizza crust...BOBOLI, BOBOLI, BOBOLI!" and "Boboli Chicago deep-dish" can be easily decoded. Buble’s post-menopausal fan base is unlikely to recover, and canceling his upcoming tour dates may be in order. The Canadian Embassy has yet to comment.

Coming Soon...

Can You Spot Bad Meat Before Diarrhea Happens?
...I'll show you how


Why Child Molesters Can Still Be Considered Celibate
I now pronounce you Catholic


New Terror Threat: Finland
Prepare yourself for Vappu Day

Developing Story: Lead Found in Earth’s Mantle

Scientists and Politicians fear China is taking revenge. (Story coming shortly)

1…2…3 Dance Moves You Can Use

Going to the club tonight? Want to get someone in your pants? Well, before you can do that…YOU’VE GOTTA PUT THOSE PANTS ON!

This is a dance move I created when I was seven, and perfected when I was twenty-four. A lot of people look up to me for my bust-a-groove-a-licious dance moves and can only dream of being so talented. Don’t be jealous, it’s not natural. I was created in a lab and routinely take performance enhancing drugs.
This dance is quite simple, and unless your name is Corkie you shouldn’t have a problem. The first step to becoming a dance seductress is to always pretend you’re having ‘you-know-what’. I know what you’re thinking: How can I do that while putting my pants ON? It’s simple. Don’t think of them as pants, think of them as sexy, opaque, triangular-patterned tights. Who wouldn’t be turned on????
Ready? Five, six, seven, eight, and…
Step One: Lean over your right foot, with both fists around your ankles. [Make sexy face.]
Step Two: Slide your fists up your leg as you stand up. [Make curious face.]
Step Three: Repeat on left side. [Make confused face.]
Step Four: Pretend your ass is the size of mainland China, or Kelly Osborne (whichever works for you), and wiggle into your proverbial pants. [Make embarrassed face.]
Step Five: Jump and pull your pants up around your gluteus, and button. [Make ‘I know you want this’ face.]
There. Now that I’ve finally gotten you laid, you can thank me by sending donations, flowers, Greek male performers, or heavily laced marijuana to the address listed below.